Creating something to read at your loved one's memorial or funeral can be anxiety-inducing. You're grieving and there's so much to do right now. Here's my quick and easy guide to writing a tribute...
You have just days to prepare something, so let's get started.
Write with Ease
“The easiest way to write a eulogy or tribute is to simply start with why this person was so unique to you.
What sets them apart from other people?
What were their most memorable strengths?”
If you begin with the person's unique characteristics, you can then add some stories that reflect this - stories that illustrate their care for others, their sense of duty, their sense of humour, their love for their sport, work or hobby, their personality, their favorite sayings and the lessons they taught you, amongst other things.
Try to avoid reciting a timeline of their life - this is generally what I will do as the celebrant. My 'Lifestory' section will cover the major events, timelines and people that were important to your loved one. Your job in writing your tribute is to highlight the more personal aspects, your appreciation for your loved one, the truly unforgettable moments and the legacy they leave behind.
Keep it brief
It is imperative to read what you have written and try not to ad lib (unless this comes very naturally to you). Invariably ad libbers can lose track at funerals and memorials - trust me when I say that this can feel awkward for your guests.
Draft your speech and read it out aloud. Does it flow? Is there any overlap with the other speakers? Do you need help? (I am here if you need a read through or any ideas, just email me anytime).
Avoid offering an "open microphone"
“Be original, be authentic, but be prepared.”
It may seem like a good idea, but!
It is far better to have speakers pre-determined so they can prepare their tribute thoroughly.
This allows me, as your celebrant, to do some careful structuring of ceremony time to ensure the smooth and seamless running of the day. An 'open mic' tends to attract either no speakers at all, or too many speakers - who may not have anything prepared and may be feeling very emotional. It can feel emotionally uncontrolled and too open-ended for your guests and there is nothing worse than surprises when it comes to funerals.
From my experience, an 'open mic' only works well with a very small group i.e. less than 10 when there are no time constraints, and everyone can support each other conversationally.
Aim for 1-4 speakers who know different aspects of the person's life i.e. a close family member or two, a grand-child, a best friend or neighbour, work colleagues, a childhood friend.
Others may choose to write something for me to read out. I'm also always happy to take over the reading if you feel unable to continue, reading at a funeral is very difficult and grief can change or limit your vocal capacity. It is 100% fine to ask me to step in at any point to assist you.
Get Inspired
Tributes/gestures of love can take many forms. Perhaps young children could draw or paint a picture to bring and place on the casket or with the urn. Family members could write messages to be placed inside the casket or urn, or record a video to be played at the service. One ceremony I performed included sticky notes and pens - prior to the ceremony, guests wrote a farewell on the notes which were then stuck to the coffin, resulting in a sea of colour and voices.
A tribute can take the form of a verse, quote or poem or even a song.
Similarly, a message bowl or writable teddy-bear have been used in the same way and placed with the casket afterwards.
At a recent ceremony, guests were asked to write a one-word description of the deceased which were read out by me during the ceremony. It was heart-warming and humorous. Words such as "fun", "cuddly", "bald", "wise", "farty" were all included and brought a smile and light-heartedness to the guests of all ages.
Other important tips
- Try not to focus on the person's recent illness or struggles - it is more useful to think about the essence of who they were in the times of their life they were most vital and at ease.
- It is ok to reflect on the good and bad aspects of someone, but it is not ok to judge or blame them at their ceremony, it's simply not the time or place for this.
- Humour is always welcome in ceremonies, a funny memory or story is as therapeutic as a hug for those grieving and can make all the difference to their experience of the ceremony.
- If you happen to tear up while you are speaking, you are not alone. Simply take a moment, breathe deeply and proceed, you are amongst friends and every person there understands how hard this is for you.
Have more questions? Ask me for help, it's what I do best.
Carolyn x
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